20 Terrible Tech Holiday Gifts

We already presented you with 25 holiday gifts a techie will love. Now we look at the other side of the spectrum and offer 20 gifts that, under no circumstances, should be given to the geek in your life this holiday season. This gift guide comprises some of the cheesiest, goofiest or just plain stupidest gifts around. To be blunt, they're all pretty lame and could easily burn bridges. Take our warning now so you won't be explaining yourself later.

We're sure a techie in your life has held thumb to ear and pinkie to mouth using the international "call me" gesture. Now you can make it count. Italian design firm Biodomotica brings to life the true handphone, a phone built to actually attach to your hand -- the dialer to the back of the hand, the receiver over the pinkie finger and the speaker over the thumb -- to bring the old-school gesture to life. While most techies will get the joke, this is something that will surely end up in the trash or buried in the junk drawer after the holidays roll out, especially with all of the hot new BlackBerrys that hit just in time for the holidays.

Even if the techie in your life is obsessed with Roswell or is convinced that M. Night Shyamalan's Signs was a documentary and not fiction, he'll really have no legitimate use for the UFO-01 Detector. This 1.2-pound machine from Images SI promises to continually monitor its surrounding area for magnetic and electromagnetic anomalies, or UFOs, duh. Apparently, when a disturbance is sensed, the device beeps and an LED flashes. The 6-inch tall UFO alarm runs for about $95 through Amazon and requires a 9V lithium battery, which is not included. The truth may be out there, but does anyone really want to find it?

Author and Forbes editor Daniel Lyons, also known as the "Fake Steve Jobs," began blogging under that moniker in 2006. A bit later, he penned Options: The Secret Life Of Steve Jobs, A Parody, a riff on Silicon Valley through the mind of the fake Steve Jobs. While lampooning the industry and the taste-makers that set the standards is fair game, Jobs' loyal following of fanboys probably won't get, or appreciate, the joke. There's a reason this book has been tossed into Amazon's bargain bin.

Want to give someone an excuse to grab their crotch in public? Look no further than these useful and stylish keyboard pants from designer Erik De Nijs. The pants offer a built-in, Bluetooth-enabled keyboard; sewn-in speakers; a pocket made just for a travel mouse and a joystick controller -- which is located in a somewhat inappropriate area. Some geeks may love the cheesiness of these bad boys, but we're betting that they'd only get one wear as a tryout and then get tossed in the clothes pile alongside those trucker hats and Darth Maul T-shirts after the recipient puts them on and repeatedly types "fail."

Super Talent has unveiled these completely unnecessary status symbols for the geek that likes to show off a little bling. These gaudy, portable Pico-C memory sticks offer 8 GB of space and come in solid 18-karat gold. They feature AES encryption, an 18-karat chain, a black jewelry box and can be laser etched with custom text or logos. While the $599 price tag will show the techies in your life that you are willing to drop serious coin on them this holiday season, we can't think of any document or file so important that it needs to be saved to a solid gold flash drive.

If someone you love already has a solid gold USB drive and is a bit too refined for a pair of keyboard pants, why not just complete the picture with this pure gold keyboard from Kirameki? The fully functional keyboard is coated with 100 percent pure gold leaf by Wazakura Studios. The base adjusts for height, it features two USB ports and offers right, left and center options for the connector cable. Unless you're friends with King Midas, or Goldmember, we're hard pressed to think of someone this would make a good gift for.

With all of the hot new BlackBerrys, the Google Android-based T-Mobile G1 and the Apple iPhone dominating the smartphone arena, no geek will want a Palm Treo Pro, a $550 high-end smartphone from a company that teeters on the verge of oblivion on a seemingly monthly basis. Save the money and buy the techie you love something more meaningful than a smartphone from a company that, at any moment, could disappear.

This one may not be all that bad, considering it gives your favorite techie a weapon against office instigators and bullies. This USB Missile Launcher from Xoxide runs about $30. It comes complete with a handful of foam (think Nerf) missiles and a practice target. Still, if your techie gets the wrong person in his crosshairs, it could cost him his job. As a gift, office weapons are a pretty bad idea.

Leave it to Bill Gates and Co. to go retro just in time for the holidays. Odds are any geek or techie you are giving gifts to this season has some sort of beef with the software giant, so Microsoft's new line of clothing, dubbed Softwear -- get it? -- might not be the best option. The T-shirts feature the Microsoft logo and other tech lingo from past decades. There's also one that features the infamous Bill Gates mug shot from back in the day. These might make a good gag gift, but they could also incite rage from someone if they have to deal with Vista all day long.

OK, let's go over the checklist: Solid gold USB? Check. Pure gold keyboard? Check. What's missing? The Pimp My Cubicle set. Give your geek the gift of bling with this starter kit to pimp out their cube. All the necessities are here: a dollar-sign paperweight, gold push pins, leopard-print fringe, a "bling" mouse pad and a miniature mirrored disco ball. It also comes with a book for more tips to pimp out that dreary workspace. The $14 set is available from a host of online retailers.

As phat as this kit sounds, we're still advising against it. For the most part, techies want to keep a low profile in the office and draw little attention. A gaudy desk setup would do just the opposite. If giving this gift, also include the USB Missile Launcher to ward off the playa haters.

Want to really burn a techie this holiday season? Grab them a Sony Vaio notebook. These laptops have been plagued with issues throughout 2008, resulting in recalls a-plenty. In September, Sony recalled thousands of Vaio TZ notebooks due to possible overheating and a threat of a burn hazard. Later, troubles persisted and hundreds of thousands more Vaios were recalled. Then, in October, Sony recalled 100,000 faulty laptop batteries, also because of overheating. Unless you want to make someone hot under the collar this holiday season, avoid the Vaio line and look for a different brand of laptop to put under the tree.

These are just plain silly. Unless you know a techie with poor circulation, they have no use at all for a pair of wool gloves that connect to a USB port and warm their hands. Even the cut-off finger tips for easy typing don't diminish the cheese factor of these hand mufflers. Want to make the techie you love the brunt of office jokes? Give them a pair of these. If not, leave them on the shelf and find something else. But, if you must, USBgeek.com offers men's and women's USB warming gloves for $22 a pair. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Typically, a universal remote isn't a bad gift. There are some sweet models out there, but none are as cheesy as the Innovage Jumbo Universal Remote. Jumbo is an understatement -- this monster measures 11 by 5 by 0.75 inches. It can manage up to eight separate devices and the massive size means it will never get lost. It costs less than $20, but why not just slip the techie you know a 20 and be done with it. This overstuffed remote could be seen as an insult.

Everyone has that one person that they just can't get off the phone with, whether it's mom, the boss or that pesky telephone company. This $10 pocket-size talking machine takes care of that. It features six built-in sounds to get off the phone fast -- static, a siren, a baby crying, a car crashing, a door bell and a even a Chinese food delivery guy. Odds are this thing won't work and will just make the recipient seem like they're trying to dodge someone, which is its exact intended purpose. Or, even worse, a gift like this could backfire and the techie you give it to could use it on you once they realize what a cheapskate and bad gift giver you really are.

MobileMe, Apple's subscription-based service and software for Mac and iPhone users, went bust almost at the outset. There were hitches in the transition from .Mac to MobileMe when the service launched in July. Users cried out over the poor service delivery, ultimately receiving a couple of different extensions on their subscriptions as a mea culpa from Apple. While you may know a techie with a Mac or iPhone, it might be tempting to hook them up with a MobileMe subscription, but if you do, make sure you opt for a premium Apple Care account to ensure they can have the problems fixed, because they are sure to arise. Better yet, stay away from MobileMe altogether this holiday season and buy your techie something else.

These are kind of cute, in a really lame sort of way. The Computer Keys set comes with eight colorful plastic key covers, with a double-sided tape base to make sure they stick. They bring the keyboard to life with sentiments like a Panic key, Any key, Beer key, duh! Key, Oops key, a $ key, an Eject button and a smiley face emoticon. The set of eight is about $20 from ComputerGear. Cuteness aside, giving these to the techie in your life won't have them tapping the smiley face, but instead searching for the delete key -- to remove you from their contact list.

This lamp is a decapitated teddy bear. It has a lamp where its head should be. It costs more than $100. Don't give this to anyone, friend or foe. Enough said.

We're not sure what use anyone would have for this tin of radioactive uranium ore, available through Amazon for about $30. The product description sheds little light by saying it's useful for testing Geiger counters. Do you or someone you know have a Geiger counter? We didn't think so. So unless you want the techie in your life to turn into Radioactive Man, it might be best to avoid the uranium ore this holiday season.





On the plus side, however, the seller promises that it is "always in compliance with Section 13 from part 40 of the NRC Nuclear Regulatory Commission rules and regulations and Postal Service regulations specified in 49 CFR 173.421 for activity limits of low level radioactive materials." The seller is also quick to note that "radioactive minerals are for educational and scientific use only."





Oddly enough, customers who bought the uranium ore also bought Balls Of Fury on DVD and paperback copies of "The Art of Computer Programming, Volume 4: Generating All Trees: History of Combinatorial Generation"

We've all seen the infomercials for this bad boy. Word is this thing can capture sound from several yards away, letting users listen in on their neighbors' conversations and snooping on others. While most of the reviews say it doesn't deliver as promised, it's still not the best gift idea for a techie or a geek. Do you think they really want to hear what others are saying about them? Nope. Strike this one off the old holiday shopping list.

USB drives have taken on all shapes, sizes and forms, but none are more ridiculous than these sushi-shaped storage sticks from Sushi Disc. These raw fish replicas run about $40 each and offer up to 2 GB of storage. Instead of dropping the money on this embarrassingly silly item, why not take the techie in your life out for real sushi?